everyone can say that, no matter what happens your family will be there for you.
but how sure are you?
i bet some people get what i mean.
im living a life full of hypocrites and people who fake sincerity.
the reason why i dont fully trust anybody. deal with it.
you know its frustrating, when all you need is the love, care and moral support. and yes, you got it. but its all fake.
how is caring for someone and ended up nagging about it or in malay we call it, "ungkit" consider sincere?
bullshit seriously.
they say, this is a test from ALLAH. and why not HE test us or should i say them.
they deserve it.
dont tell me to repent, dont tell me to remember ALLAH, dont tell me to symphatise with late dad. cause i know what im doing. i do feel remorseful over my sinful acts. but at least i respect people.
despite the shits they put me through, i still respect them. blood runs thicker than water i must say.
they want me to get well soon and overcome all the problems im facing right now. but how am i suppose to if every single day you add salts to my wound.
every single day, you nag and lecture me on my wrongdoings.
tell me, how am i suppose to be strong when all you did is to bring me down.
i dont care if you wanna criticise other people and my boyfriend.
but how the hell could you look down on me and criticise me.
every day i hear them say, that they're upset over what happen and they're upset that they dont see me feel remorseful. and they keep emphasizing on my mistakes. and they keep saying how much ive hurt them.
like seriously. i understand! im no small kid already. i know ive done wrong. ive apologised. you dont want to see me cry, cause i ought to be strong. so here i am trying my best to be happy but all you do is say all those hurtful things.
why arent there comfort in those words?
i though, my problems would cause my depression.
but guess what, it's you both.
the one i called Parents.
sadly. my own birth mother, is the worst.
no matter what you did to me, or say to me. i still convince myself that i cant hate you, cause i love you too much. you're my mother. i cant blame my step-dad for his behaviour, he's not my actual father.
but you , Mummy. how could you.
i dislike your character. seriously. stop being fake.
dont say you love me and you care for the sake of it. your words are simply damn cheap.
yes, you people might think im heartless for saying all this.
but you dont know what ive been trhough for 18years of life.
i think Eqa and Favian should understand what im trying to say from all this junk.

anyways, the above was the reason why i didnt blog yesterday. i was in a very bad mood.
and today i felt like letting it all out.
i really want everything to end, and i want my life back.
i want things the way it is.
i do things for myself. i dont ask anything from them.
only being at home to sleep, or when they're not around.
always outside keeping myself occupied.
rumahku syurgaku? well, its more to hell for me.
i want my life back. seriously.

i stayed home alone the whole day yesterday.
feel so retarded and so bored.
thanks Favian for texting me.
at least i have some company.
there wasnt any food at home yesterday. so i ended up eating junks.
how great! not!
today is another day home, alone. well not literally.
Brother just came back from work few hours ago. so ill expect him to sleeping till night.
Step-brother not working today, so he's still asleep. and i bet he'll only be awake in the evening.
so im still alone.
Abah's at work, Mirul at school and i dontknow where the hell Mummy went to. and i couldnt care less.

im planning to start work around October or November, so if there's anyone who have any job recommendations, let me know. i dont care the timing. cause im free. im not schooling. im willing to do shifts or full time too.
put my mind away from home.
and start earning money.
im craving for cheesecake, and i want my kitchen stocked up.
next week is Fasting.
and sadly, i cant fast.
but its a good thing too. cause i can eat and eat and eat! hahas.
oh wells, im done here.

to dear Eqa, when you coming to meet me? aku rindu kau pig!

bye!