and if it ends, it'll end.

well, yes, i had another fight with Love, this time it felt so serious.
i know he wants so much to talk things out with me.
but EGO as i am, i kept refusing to answer his calls.
i give ourselves a time off yesterday, to think about this relationship.
and this time, i leave it to him to decide. to go on or not to go on.
i know i sound idiotic.
but i dont want him to hold on for the sake of holding on.
cause i know and i realised that these days im extra demanding, and i know ive hurt his ego.
i know im controlling, maybe too much.
but there's always a reason why im demanding.
he's changing to a different person, he dont pamper me or give me the attention like he used to, so tell me, why shouldnt i be demanding.
i feel ive already lost him. like he's not a part of me.
so tell me, why should i force him to stay.
so he's taking the time wisely to think about this.
i know i was harsh with him yesterday, i text him so harshly, i know ive hurt him.
but im just putting a strong front, cause i dont want him to see me be so weak.
so at least i dont make him worry, and he can think at ease.

im feeling sick now, i couldnt sleep last night.
i kept checking my hp, to see if there was any texts.
i kept tossing and turning on my bed, thinking what could he be thinking.
im imagining life without him.
i swear it's gonna be different.
but if things end, i really dont want him to come back days, months or years down the road.
cause if this time it ends, i want to forget everything and start life afresh.
i dont want to be thinking about him.
i wanna be strong. i wanna be independent.
but if things dont end, i'll promise i'll be a better person, at least i'll try.
but also, im hoping he understands my feelings, and know that i dont do thing without a reason.

my heart's pumping real fast, ive broken down too many times.
my eyes cant seem to take anymore crying.
im trying my best to smile and laugh.
my nephews are very very attached to me today.
maybe they are sensing that i dont feel good.
i love this boys. i really do. they always put a smile on my face.

ive lost the mood to dance, but im staying on for GRX.
NDP is coming up. i wanna take this opportunity to relax, have fun and maybe make myself livelier so i will have less fights with Love.
2010 has been a challenging year.
2010 has made me cried too many times, and dampen my hopes.
2010 is a sucky year.
2010, i hope you change and make my life an easier one.

i'll blog again if it is necessary.
now, im spending my time with the nephews.

goodbye now.
(: